A big part of what people come to therapy for, even if they don`t realize it, is to improve their relationships both with themselves and with other people so that they can navigate the world more effectively, and part of that, part of getting to that place, is telling their story that they come with it. to be rewritten. I think a lot of people come to therapy to get to know themselves better, but I also think it`s a place to “not know yourself,” not know the flawed narratives that pull the strings of your daily choices and decisions on a daily basis, and get to know yourself in a different and more liberating way. Recently, I have noticed a recurring phenomenon in many clients and patients regarding their intimate relationships with adults. It seems that many of them are attracted to someone or have even married someone remarkably similar to a relative with whom they had “unfinished business”. And I think what happens is that we are very shocked and disappointed when this happens (laughs…). And there are also a lot of good qualities that this person has, and you chose them for many good reasons and also for healthy reasons, but it`s important to be aware that if you don`t get clarity about some of those things that you`ve been carrying with you since childhood, You will choose people. which are similar. And you will be disappointed again and again.
Since they have never received this from their parents (or any particular parent), they enter young adult life feeling that they are missing something. As a result, they are often attracted to people with personalities similar to those of the failing parent, from whom they always seek unconditional love and acceptance. The sad truth is that their antennae work too well and they connect with someone so similar to that parent that instead of getting what they never got from that parent, they recapitulate the same relationship with the person they`re marrying and keep thinking they`re not good enough. But unlike the “Book of Happiness,” this book came to the site much easier because I knew exactly what I wanted to write and it`s non-fiction, so you don`t have to worry about the plot because you know the plot, so this book was such an organic process for me to translate those experiences onto the page. AUTHORLINK: It`s also a beautiful phrase: “We are marrying our unfinished business. And “by choosing trusted partners, people guarantee the opposite result: they reopen the wounds and feel even more inadequate and unlovable.” Even though most of us live in happy relationships, it`s always interesting to hear something like that and a different perspective on our reasons for marriage or our reasons for a relationship. So, could you tell us briefly about how we “marry our unfinished business”? One way to end the unfinished business with a reserved parent who can only give conditional love is to realize that: a) you are not unworthy of being loved unconditionally (i.e., you are worthy of unconditional love); b) Your parents were and are not able to love you in this way (mainly because of what they did not receive from their parents). If you can recognize and accept these two factors, then you can go out and find people who are able to love you unconditionally (this is often the attraction of mentors in our lives). When you start finding people who see you this way, you can start to let go of the need of people who are unable to give it to you, and you can stop “looking for love in the wrong places.” AUTHORLINK: It`s great because you`ve combined your two talents – writing and observing – and it`s a really nice niche that you`ve created. It`s a testament to your talents as a writer and therapist because you`ve been able to combine those two elements of your skills in a very beautiful way. And in terms of that, you`re pretty open, open, and assignable with your writing. GOTTLIEB: My therapeutic practice and my column is a very regulated part of the week, which means there`s a schedule and I see the same people and that day I write the column and that day I review the letters and editing, so it`s very structured.
As for writing the book, it was a lot, you have a deadline and (laughs…) and you write when you can. So it`s important to understand what these things are, and can I understand them better in order to choose people from a clearer point of view. GOTTLIEB: Yes, I mean, I think we have to understand. One of the most important things we can understand about ourselves is how we relate to the world, how we relate to ourselves and how we relate to others and how this relates to understanding what you do in relationships and if you understand that better, Then you also need to make changes in the world. So a lot of people, I think, believe that they will come to therapy, understand better about themselves, and then change. It doesn`t quite work that way. We say that insight is the price to pay for therapy boots. You may have all the ideas in the world about why you do what you do, but if you don`t make any changes—how you react in the world or how you react in the world—then insight is useless! AUTHOR: That`s right. And now we`re done, because our time is almost up; What`s next for you? Are you writing anything now? Are you working on a new project? “You know, what I`m hoping for in this book is to deliver a big dose of compassion… GOTTLIEB: We all do! And these ridiculous things are universal. You know, we`re so ashamed of the way we think and feel, which are inconsistent, clumsy, or counterproductive, and yet everyone does it. So I think we can laugh at ourselves, it gives us, you know, space to breathe and compassion – not only for ourselves, but for others as well.